Ino's akatsuki adventure
by IceEvolution55
Summary: ino and deidara switch lives and ino get to see how the akatsuki works.first story so be nice but dnt sugar code it also. all the characters r ooc so i dnt want to hear how they dont act how they're supposed 2
1. prologe

**Glace: hey ppl this my first story so drop bust my chops**

**Ino: don't worry I'll be here to support you**

**Glace: you're too nice to me Ino**

**Deidara: yes she is *punches me in the arm***

**Glace: ow you bastard**

**Deidara: stop being a wimp**

**Glace: I'm gonna get you later**

**Deidara: HA! You wish**

**Glace: UGH! JUST DO THE DISCLAMER ALREADY YOUR IRKING ME!**

**Ino: I'm doing it too**

**Glace: ugh fine T_T**

**Ino & Deidara: glace doesn't own anything regarding naruto**

* * *

><p><strong>Ino's akasuki life<strong>

"Sigh… why did sasori no Dana have to yell at me" Deidara said to no one in particular. "Well I know I blew up his arm but UGH!" the blonde male yelled falling on his ass. "Ow damn tree" he grumbled. He looks up and realizes that he was lost. "AHHHHHH IM LOST!" he screamed running around like an idiot. "SOMEONE HELP ME"he starts running deeper and deeper into the forest until he comes to a screeching halt. The comes to a clear blue lake and then decides "maybe I'll go for a swim"

Meanwhile….

"Aww come back utau-chan!" an idiotic looking blonde yelled chasing after the butterfly. After 3 hours of chasing, she stops and realizes, "I'm lost?" She chocked her head to the side and starts to think, 'maybe I'll make a signal fire but smoky the bear said not too'. She gave a defeated sigh and walked deep into the forest (well deeper anyway). When she came across a lake, she beamed and thought 'maybe the water fairies will help me' and she ran over to the lake. When she got close she started bowing and chanting" oh great water fairies come to my aid and save me!"

She looked in the water and just saw her reflection.

"I didn't know I was that manly looking", the reflection then jumped out the water. She let out a loud gasp, "OMG! My manly reflection came to life!"

"STFU, I'm not your damn reflection you stupid bimbo" Deidara hissed.

"Oh….. Than are you a water fairy" she said beaming

Deidara sighed and thought, 'now I know how sasori no Dana feels', "no."

"Ok then." Ino said digging into her bag. She then pulled out a red baseball cap and put it on her head.

"What the hell is that?"

"It's my thinking cap"

Deidara then face palmed himself and yelled, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!"

Ino didn't even hear him she was too lost in thought. She thought long and hard actually it was only 20 seconds. She then snapped her fingers indicating she had the answer.

"If you're not my reflection or a water fairy than you're my twin, and we were meant to rule a magical kingdom together." She said smiling.

Deidara than pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You watched twitches didn't you"

"Yup both movies"

Deidara than sighed again and thought 'who watches Disney channel anymore' and then he looked up with a really annoyed face and plainly said "no". Than Ino backed up and took a fighting stance.

"Then you the evil me and your trying to destroy me so you can pose as me and take over this universe!" she yelled with a serious face. "Now prepare to face…." Ino then started spinning until there was a burst of light. The light was so bright Deidara had to shield his eyes. When the light faded Ino was standing in front of him with a wonder woman outfit on.

"Wonder Ino and her lasso made of used horse hair" she shouted making a heroic pose. Deidara just collapsed on the floor and then shouted into the sky, "HELP ME, SASORI NO DANA!"

Elsewhere…

Sasori looked up and then turned towards the other members, "hey did you hear that…"

Pain than turned around and said, "Yea I heard it, it's the sound of you SHUTTING UP!" he shouted looking back towards the horizon.

A neutral face konan than looked at pain, "hey why are we on a cliff anyway?"

"BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL KONAN!" pain shouted at the top of his lungs

"OMG JUST SHUT UP IM TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE OVER HERE!" everyone than turned to look at an angry hidan. He then turned away and whispered, "god people have no consideration these days". His partner kakazu than walked over and said in his usual calm voice, "you know you're not gonna die".

"I AM GONNA DIE THIS TIME JUST YOU WATCH YOU DAMN OJIJII" hidan shouted.

"Twenty bucks says you don't"

"Well I'm not gonna pay cause I'm gonna be dead" he then jumped off the cliff and then there was a splat sound. Kakazu then walked all the way down to the base of the cliff. Once at the bottom, he walked over to hidan's body and said "are you dead yet?" there was a long pause than hidan spoke,

"Just give me 20 more minute and I swear I'll be dead". Kakazu let out a sigh and went back up to the top.

At the top of the cliff….

"Hey hidan just jumped off the cliff what should we do." Itachi said

"WHO CARES ABOUT HIM, tobi's a good boy" tobi exclaimed

"DAMMIT I GOT DIRT ON MY MY LITTLE PONY SNEAKERS!" kisame yelled

Both tobi and Itachi both turned around and gave kisame a crazy look. (AN: they're having a convo and I'm gonna put their first initial so you can know who's who)

I: "why the hell did you even buy those anyway?"

T: "yea those are so gay"

K: "THEY ARE NOT GAY, AND THESE ARE LIMITED ADDITIONS!"

T: "they're still gay"

I: "I agree"

K: "I CAN WEAR WHATEVER I WANT ON MY FEET!"

I & T: "but…"

K: "NO BUTS!" Kisame walks away

T: "faggot…"

(Convo over)

Pain turns around and stretches, "well that's enough searching for today, lets home." Konan than turns and says "but all we did was look off at the horizon". Pain then turns with an angry look on his face, "WELL THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH, IF DEIDARA WANTS TO COME HOME HE CAN FIND HIS OWN WAY!" pain than starts walking home, and the other start to follow suit.

Back to Ino and Deidara….

About 20 minutes after transforming, Ino struggles to catch Deidara with the lasso, (who am I kidding she was so bad she couldn't even rope air). Deidara just gave a sigh and said "it's getting dark we should start heading home…"

"No not until I defeat you!" Ino said trying to catch him with the lasso.

*sweat drop* Deidara face palmed himself softly and started thinking, "I want to leave but, when I get back sasori would kill me…." Deidara sighed a defeated sigh.

"You don't want to go home because of this sasori person?" Ino spoke suddenly.

Deidara looked up with a shocked face and thought 'did she just read my mind'.

"Yea I did my tiara lets me read minds" she said cheerfully. "Well if you don't want to go back how bout we switch places"

"Come again?"

"Let's switch places if you be me, I'll be you"

Deidara thought long and hard, actually he couldn't believe he was thinking about it. "Fine let's switch"

* * *

><p><strong>Glace: well hope you enjoyed it<strong>

**Ino: I did, I did**

**Glace: well how'd you like it Deidara**

**Deidara: can't complain **

**Glace: well enjoy that attitude while u can**

**Deidara: what you say**

**Glace: nothing **

**Ino: minaa plz read and review, ways to improve glace's writing skills thnx**


	2. getting started

Glace: hey I'm back people with chapter 2! X3

Ino: thnx for reviewing the story too! XD

Glace: also I'd like to give a big thnx to people who reviewed my story, especially to Killer of thy cookies for pointing out my mistakes and to the kunoichi cat for the suggestion.

Ino: what are you talking about?

Glace: hold that thought. Come on out Deidara

*Deidara comes out in a pink bunny suit*

Deidara: this is SOME BULL!

Glace: well I said I'd get you back so HA!

Deidara: but this is going a bit extreme…

Ino: aww but you look cute as an usagi-chan

Deidara: I really don't wanna hear it from you

Glace: now for the disclaimer.

Deidara: ugh… glace doesn't own naruto

Chapter 2

"Ok what did he say again" Ino said aloud. She was on her way to the akatsuki hideout. Deidara had given her directions but she never could remember. "ok he either said walk west until you get to chasm with a river or to find a magical unicorn that farts rainbows..." she gave a stupid smile and yelled "HERE MAGICAL FARTING UNICORN!"

she looked for hours (well 3 to be exact) until she lost and decided to look for that chasm. Awhile later she started jumping for joy when she found the chasm but them she spotted a cave being blocked by a giant rock. She jumped down and walk to the rock to see an intercom on the side of the cave entrance. Ino gave a puzzled look and went to press the bell. After the bell rang, sounds began to come out the intercom.

"Hello akatsuki residence, this is tobi speaking." Tobi said happily.

"TOBI DIDNT I TELL YOU NOT TO INSTALL THE INTERCOM!" Pain hissed.

"But you put Tobi in charge of remodeling the base"

"YES I DID BUT, I TOLD YOU TO INSTALL THE PENJILUM OF DOOM"

"I know but-"

"IF YOU KNEW THEN WHYD YOU DO IT"

"*sob* cause Kakazu said id be a good boy if we saved that quarter"

"WHAT!"

"Yea its true pain just LOOK HOW SHINY THIS QUATER IS!" Kakazu said.

"I DONT CARE HOW SHIN- oooo that quarter is shiny."

"I know right."

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW"

"Than what is your point?" Kakazu questioned.

"THAT TOBI WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BUY THIS CONTRAPTION!"

Tobi started sobbing, "But it wasn't Tobi's fault."

*sweat drop* 'do they know that I can hear them', Ino thought. She pressed the button, "hey guys its Deidara open up." All that could be heard was Pain and Kakazu's arguing and Tobi's sobbing. *sweat drop* 'I'm gonna be out here all night aren't I.' Ino thought while sulking. Then suddenly, hidan screamed at all three of them, "JUST SHUT THE F*** UP AND OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! AND WHERE THE HELL IS THE CHAIR!"

The voices died out and the rock started to roll aside very slowly. When the opening was large, enough for her to pass though, Ino walked in only to be pounced on by a crying Tobi. "WAHHHHH, DEIDARA-SEMPAI THEY'RE PICKING ON ME" Tobi wailed. Ino didn't respond she was still caught off guard by the masked man. Pain walked out fuming; he opened his mouth getting ready to say something but was cut off by Konan.

"Welcome back Deidara." the blue hair woman greeted. She took Ino by the hand and walked her in leaving an angry Pain and sobbing Tobi. When Ino walked into the base, it was not what she had expected. She expected the place to look more like a dark, damp, scary cave with a big & odd-looking statue and dead bodies scattered about. However, in reality it looked more like a house, it had a living room with a flat-screen TV, a big couch, loveseat, and a coffee table.

It had a kitchen with every type of appliance known to man, a few bathrooms, and five bedrooms. Konan lead Ino to the couch and flipped the channel to her favorite soap opera oh my anbu. Ino looked at Konan with a puzzled look, "you watch this too?" Konan looked at her with a smile and replied,"yea we always watch this together remember?" Ino turned her head to the side with an embarrass look, "pfft of course I knew that!" she faced the TV and grabbed the box of tissue.

40 minutes later…

Both Konan and Ino were in tears, balls of tissue surrounded them both. Konan grabbed the TV remote and flipped the channel. "Oh my god that was the most heartbreaking *sniff* episode I've ever seen." Konan said wiping her eyes. Ino nodded and continued to wipe her eyes. The rest of the akasuki then made a barfing sound to show their disgust with the crying. Soon after Kisame jumped out his seat and grabbed the remote.

"IT'S TIME FOR MY LITTLE PONY!" Kisame screamed happily. Everyone except Ino let out a groan. "Why do you like this show it's so retarded." Itachi complained. Kisame then turned and said' "because of all the cute ponies." Ino's face lit up with joy. She jumped out her seat and yelled, "I LOVE THE PONIES TOO!"

Everyone looked at 'Deidara' as if he was insane not only did he have to like soap operas but now ponies too. After a moment of silence Tobi spoke' "Deidara-sempai like my little pony, even I think that gay." Everyone gave a nod. Ignoring everyone else, Kisame turned to Ino and gave a big smile. "Hey you wanna play with my little pony action figures?" kisame suggested. "They're dolls," the akatsuki said in unison.

Ino gave Kisame a serious face and held up one finger. "I'll play on one condition, and it that I get to be pinkie pie." Kisame gave an even bigger smile and asked, "You like pinkie pie too?" Ino could not stop smiling she just could not believe it she had things in common with villains. She could never watch oh my anbu with anyone back home; they were always too busy or were trying to avoid her. Well she knew she had crusty feet and terrible foot odor but didn't everyone?

Both Kisame and Ino gave a high-pitched squeal and headed for Kisame's room. She turned to everyone and told everyone to call her Ino. They gave puzzled looks and asked her why. She had told them it stood for '**I**ntelligent **n**ot uhhh… **o**bvious'. They all gave a shrug and just agreed to it. Moreover, with that she turned to headed to Kisame's room until she turned around once again and asked "hey you guys wanna play too?"

"NO!" the akatsuki members shouted, and Hidan blurted out "OH HELL NO!" Ino gave another shrug and walked into Kisame's room. After a moment of aquward silence, Hidan looked to his left and said, "Oh here's the chair"

Glace: please excuse the little to no comedy in this chapter but I had to get Ino settled in with the akatsuki

Ino: its ok this chapter was just fine

Deidara: it was terrible I wasn't in it

Glace: oh just give it a rest

Ino: plz read and review


	3. MLP Goes Wrong!

**Glace: sorry for the long wait, due to the crappy internet I was not able to update**

**Ino: yea the internet sucks sometimes**

**Deidara: whatever can I take off this goddamn bunny suit already!**

**Glace: No T_T**

**Deidara: come on I said I was sorry**

**Glace: well maybe u be nicer in the future**

**Deidara: hey Ino back me up here**

**Ino: ok, Deidara should keep the bunny suit**

**Deidara: OH GODDAMMIT**

**Glace: HA! XD**

**Ino: glace owns nothing in naruto**

**Deidara: Unless you are slow, u should know already**

**Glace: that is so true**

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 3 <span>

"Oh dear lord… lord twinkle toes you have a magical splinter stuck in your hoof." Ino said sadly. After hours of arguing who gets to be pinkie pie, ion and Kisame decided to make up their own ponies and play.

"Yes I know Madame Sparkle bottom it hurts every time I walk."

"We have to go to the king of ponyvill, only he can get out. So we have to climb mount teen spirit."

'Wait mount teen spirit….' Kisame thought.

"Then we have to fight off the axe body spray monsters" Ino continued.

"….axe body sprays monsters…" Kisame face scrunched up.

"Then we climb to the top, enter the throne room, and meet lord bagel!" Ino shouted.

"SHUT UP YOU'RE MAKING SHIT UP NOW!" kisame yelled.

"But I thought the game would be better if I made up monsters and stuff so."

"That's so stupid, and u were suppose to say lord samba salsa dancer, NOT LORD BAGELS!"

"I – I'm sorry…" Ino said looking down and twiddling her fingers.

"There _are_ no sorry in my little pony." Kisame slaps Ino in the face and walks outside the room. 5 minutes later the walks back in and scoops up all his ponies. "I'm taking my ponies elsewhere." He turns on his heel and once again exited the room. Ino then sits in the room and starts crying. A figure then walks in and stares at Ino. "Hey why u crying?" the figure spoke. Ino looked up and the figure was no other than Itachi. Itachi gets down on his knees and asked again, "why u crying"

10 mins later…

"So Kisame slapped you huh," Itachi said in his normal voice. Ino nodded and continued to sob. Itachi closed his eyes and started to think. Itachi gave a grin and looked at Ino. "Hey u want know a secret?" he asked. Ino looked up with big eyes and nodded. Itachi hands brought a hand to his face then suddenly-

The door slams open and there stands Kisame. "Hey I just realized this is my room, u get out!" Kisame shouted, while both Ino and Itachi stood there with WTF looks on their faces. Ino and Itachi stand to leave the room they heard Konan calling them, "dinner's ready!" everyone gathers into the living room and then Ino screams at the site she saw. "OH MY GOD!" Konan looks at Ino with a concerned look. "What's wrong Deidara?" Ino points to Hidan hanging there by a rope and Kakazu sitting in a chair not really giving a shit.

"d-do you see that?" Ino said shaking

"Yea so, Hidan always hangs himself." Konan said calmly

"W-well how long has he been hanging there?"

"For about an hour." Kakazu said uncaring

"Wait why the hell are you reading Forbes magazine?" Pain questioned.

"To see who's richer than me."

"But its Forbes magazine, everyone in there is richer than you." Pain spat.

Kakazu looked up from the magazine and threw it violently to the side. "Now I don't wanna read this shit no more."

"Well are you gonna help him down" Ino questioned.

"Well let's see" Kakazu looked up at Hidan. "U ready to get down?"

A few minutes passed until Hidan spoke, "yea I'm bored now, help me down."

"When did we ever start caring about Hidan? Actually when did I start caring? I'm gonna cut myself." Sasori said in his usual voice.

"But you're made of wood." Tobi said

"Then ill burn myself then."

Zetzu sits in the corner playing with his matches and looks over at Sasori, "i'll be in shortly" Zetzu said in a stewie griffin accent.

Pain raised a brow, "Zetzu I didn't know u were british?"

"Im not, I don't know where that came from." Zetzu said continuing playing with his matches.

* * *

><p><strong>Glace: hope u enjoyed the next chapter will be up soon<strong>

**Ino: so in the meantime plz R&R**

**Deidara: hey where am I in this story**

**Glace: read the title of the story dumbass T_T**

**Deidara: UGH!**

**Ino: bye-bye readers**


	4. flammable

**Glace: hey ppl been a while huh…**

**Ino: yea I missed the readers**

**Deidara: well I didn't**

**Glace: do not make me get the bunny suit**

**Deidara: ill be quiet now**

**Ino: well u guys should know the deal by now but for those who don't**

**Glace: I own nothing that involves naruto**

Chapter 4

"Hey Pein can we talk?" Konan says as she approaches the man. "What is it Konan I'm typing a document" the man said as he continued typing. Konan raised a brow, "you're typing a document?" she said crossing here arms in amusement. Pein shot her his angry/annoyed face, "yes Konan, stop being smart!" he spat. She let out a giggle and turned to the computer screen. She put on her neutral face and pointed to the screen, "Pein it says your trials ended" she said.

"Yet I'm still typing" he said shooting her another annoyed look.

"But seriously can we talk?"

Pein turned in his chair and spat, "why that every time we talk it's all about you, you, you! Why can we never talk about me for a change!"

"Fine then let's talk about you then" Konan said crossing her arms.

"Well I have nothing to say so go on" Pein replied turning back to his work

"Well it's about Zetzu, I think he's gonna do something to me"

"Oh you're overreacting"

"Every time he lights a match I see him staring at me, and last night I caught him at the end of my bed flicking his lighter on & off, on & off, on & off!" Konan yelled with a fearful look.

"Oh stop being a drama queen Konan," Pein said as he finished typing. He turned to her, "I'm done now show me a magic trick." He commanded.

"It's not a magic trick, its PAPER NINJUTSU!" She yelled

Pein just shot her a look, "oh call it what I want just do it" he commanded crossing his arms.

"UGH… fine" with that Konan scatters into pieces of paper. Then suddenly, a figure swiftly come out from the shadows and grabbing one of the papers. Once the paper was secure, the figure burned it with a lighter. Konan quickly reassembles herself and grabbing her side while screaming in pain. Everyone runs to see Zetzu standing over Konan. He looked down on her with a serious look, "you knew I was watching, why'd you do it?" he said.

"Cause Pein's a douche..." Konan said still holding her in pain.

Pein took out a cigarette and waited for Zetzu to light it, then took a puff. "Damn straight." He said taking another puff.

"UGH! You burnt my liver..." Konan said holding her side tighter.

Pein stomped on the cigarette and turn to Konan, "Konan stop being a drama queen and go start already." Pein said giving her an annoyed look

Konan coughed into her hand several time and when she looked at it, she found blood. "I'm coughing blood *cough, cough*" she said then collapsing.

Pein then shot her an angry/annoyed look, "yet dinner isn't started!" Pein spat. "Besides maybe you drank some red kool-aid." Tobi interjected. Everyone stared at Konan for a replay. After 10 to 20 mins, Ino looked up at everyone, "guys I think she's dead..." Pein then again shot an annoyed look, "she's not dead, just put her in the freezer until she's ready to wake up" he commanded pointing to the fridge. "I can't do it on an empty stomach, you guys do the heavy lifting." Kakazu said sitting down. Tobi jumped up out his seat shouting, "Tobi'll cook Tobi's a good boy!"

"No Tobi's a bad boy" pain shouted. "*gasp* well Tobi's leaving" Tobi replied then turning on his heel and walking away. "Tobi if you go into my room I swear to god I'm gonna all mighty push your ass." Pein said. Tobi turned around and spat, "that won't work on Tobi, I'm not Hinata!" Pein turned to the others and asked, "Who the fuck is Hinata?" Ino was about to answer but was cut off by Tobi. "Don't worry about it!" Tobi spat.

Meanwhile…

Sasori was carefully examining his arm then giving glances over at Zetzu. This did not go unnoticed by Ino. "Hey Sasori no Danna, what are u doing?" Ino asked cocking her head to the side. "Figuring out a way to burn myself without burning my entire body." Sasori replied without looking away from his arm. "You know that's impossible right?" Kisame replied. Sasori slammed his hand on the wall and shot Kisame an angry look. "Shut the fuck up!" Sasori shouted making Kisame cringe. Kisame but his hands up in surrender, "ok ok I'm sorry." He said quietly.

Sasori put his hands over his eyes and started sobbing, "I'm sorry too." Kisame sweatdropped, "bi-polar much." He said quietly. Zetzu looked up from his light, which caught everyone by surprise. "Speaking of bi-polar, where's Hidan?" he questioned. "All we got to do is find Kakazu he's always watching Hidan kill himself." Itachi replied happily.

On the roof…

Everyone walked up to the roof, and found Kakazu walking around with a cell phone in his hand. Itachi raised a brow, "Kakazu you have a cell phone?" he asked. Kakazu turned, "of course all important business men have cell phones." He stated in a superior tone. "But I thought u said they were a waste of money." Tobi said cocking his head to the side. "But then I discovered that government pays your phone bills." Kakazu replied in a superior tone yet again. Ino sweat dropped, 'all this guy thinks about is money.' She thought giving a sigh.

"So Kakazu where's Hidan?" Ino questioned.

"Down in that chasm over there." Kakazu stated pointing to the east.

"Who are you trying to talk to?"

"Hidan."

'Wait how do u get signal in a chasm?' Ino thought.

"There we go"

(Phone convo between Kakazu and Hidan)

"Hey Hidan how is it down there?" Kakazu asked.

"Its very bleak… heard there some man eating wolves down but apparently I was laid to, that the last time I listen to Tobi!"

"Wait what made you listens to Tobi?"

"All I heard man eating wolves and that got my attention…"

*wolf howl*

"Omigod I heard a howl, Omigod there's some wolfs over there and they look hungry. This might be my chance, PUT ME ON SPEAKER!"

(Convo over)

*Kakazu presses the speaker button*

"Hey wolves, you look hungry you can eat me, wait don't leave, DON'T IGNORE ME, IM NOT HINATA!"

Pein turns and looks at the group and asked once again, "Who the fuck is Hinata?"

Kakazu turned to Pein, "don't worry about it." He said turning his attention back to Hidan.

Five mins of silence later…

"So how's it going?" Kakazu said trying to start a conversation.

"Just shut and help me out the chasm…" Hidan huffed.

**Glace: thnx for reading you guys i'll try and update sooner next time. **

**Pein: who the fuck is Hinata?**

**Glace: wait how'd you get in here?**

**Ino: Well if you know, what naruto chat rooms are glace has collaborated with someone and made one so plz check it out.**

**Pein: well answer the question**

**Ino: what question?**

**Pein: who the fuck is Hinata?**

**Glace: leave Pein!**

**Pein: ALL MIGHTY PUSH!**

***glace collapses***

**Ino: Omigod you knocked out glace!**

**Deidara: then I will take over!**

**Glace: no, you're not**

**Pein: wait how'd u get up**

**Glace: it will not work on me I'm not Hinata T_T**

**Pein: WHO THE FUCK IS HINATA!**

**Glace: well anyway, the link to the naruto chat room is on my profile thnx for reading!**


	5. Sandwiches

**Glace: Oi! Minna-san! I'm alive and back with a new chapter!**

**Deidara: Shut up and tell us if I get to be in the story.**

**Glace: Well I don't know... I'll tell you at the end of the chapter.**

**Deidara: WHAT! THAT'S S-**

**Glace: Don't care what you think by the way.**

**Ino: Haha burned!**

**Glace: well guys enjoy the chapter, I hope you like it.**

**Ino: Now thoughts are in italic!**

**Glace: by the way, its been a month time skip. One more thing I don't own this manga/anime, if I did silly stuff would always happen to the Akatsuki all the time.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

"God, this place is a dump." Pain looking around what used to be base. There was trash everywhere, mountains of clothes and lazy subordinates on the ground.

"Thats it go get Konan out the freezer. We let her have her little break but she gotta get up, some of us have real jobs." Pain said pointing at the fridge.

Ino pinched the bridge of her nose,_ 'None of us have real jobs and she been cold dead for a month.' _she sighed and watched the guys pull out Konan's dead body.

They looked down and waited for 20 minutes... Nothing happened.

Kisame was the first to look up, "she's not waking up, what do we do?"

"I don't know but she really needs to wake up. I can't keep eating this crap." Kakuzu responded pointing to the pile of mush on his plate.

"If you don't like it, don't eat it you bastard!" Hidan yelled throwing a spatula that was easily dodged by Kakuzu. Kakuzu looked down at the plate, scrunched his nose in disgust and threw the plate.

"Might as well. If I keep eating it, I'll die." he scuffed and turns to see Hidan crying. "I know, I've been trying to kill myself with that shit!" Hidan yelled back sobbing into his hands. Kakuzu rolled his eyes and went back to watching the others wake up Konan. Apparently it was Tobi's turn after Ino refused.

"Wakey, Wakey Konan. You need to get up now. Tobi's been a good boy s-"

"GET UP YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!" Pain said pushing Tobi out of the way and kicking Konan in her side. Ino facepalmed, '_No respect for the dead._'

"DAMMIT KONAN! I TRY TO STAY CALM AND COLLECTED BUT YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME THE BAD GUY!" he yelled while kicking her repeatedly.

Ino put a hand on her hip and smirked, "Since when are you ever calm and collected?" Pain shot her an angry look and that caused her to hide behind Kisame. Pain just went back to yelling and kicking Konan's body.

"Did you ever think that she's dead?" Ino questioned still standing behind Kisame. Pain just looked up and pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "For the last time you idiot, she's not dead, SHE'S SLEEP! Kakuzu go get the cardiac defibrillator." he commanded pointing to the hallway closet. After several minutes, Kakuzu had returned with the device and turned on the power. he rubs the paddles together to the charge going then presses them to Konan's chest.

"CLEAR!"

The body shook violently, and became motionless once again.

**5 minutes later...**

"See I told you she was de-"

"SHUT UP, DEIDARA! KAKUZU COME ON, BE A MAN AND PUT A LITTLE MORE UMPF INTO IT!" Pain spat.

"Oh there'll be a lot of umpf when its my fist to your face." Kakuzu said under his breath as he turned up the voltage of the machine.

"WHAT!"

"What? So anyway CLEAR!" Kakuzu once again pressed the device to Konan's chest. The body again shook violently but this time Konan had sat up quickly gasping for air.

Ino had stood there in shock for a moment. "Holy crap, she's alive." she said dumbfounded.

A smirk then appeared on Pain's face, "See Deidara, this is why im the leader and your just the dum-"

"Why did it take you guys so long to bring me back!" Konan yelled.

"I WAS TALKING KONAN!" Pain yelled back.

"So wh-" Kakuzu shocks Konan, and she collapses to the floor and flatlines.

"what. THE. FUCK!" Ino yelled at Kakuzu.

Kakuzu looks at Ino, "i just remembers she owed me 15 cent and Pain doubted me manhood." he drops the paddles and sticks up his middle fingers. "So fuck you guys. Do it your damn selves." he says as he leaves the room. Pain and Ino both pinch the bridge of their noses. Hidan runs into the room and grabs the paddles and rubs them together.

Ino looks up with joy in her eyes, "Hidan at least y-" Hidan then shocks himself and he collapses. Ino faceplams herself, "Great now two people are dead."

"KONAN IS ALSLEEP!" Pain yells.

Kakuzu walks back into the room, and grabs hidan by the neck. He slaps him several times, "OW!" hidan yells, then he sighs "Oh god dammit"

"well at le-"

"Enough of this crap, TOBI WAKE UP KONAN" Pain yells interrupting Ino. Tobi does as he's told and picks up the paddles and rubbing them together.

"Tobi says clear." he shocks Konan, making he jump up. She looks at pain and yells, "Why did you let that happen!"

"Well goods to see that your awake Konan, now go make daddy a sandwich."

"No!"

Pain sighs, "konan i didn't wanna do this but what are u good for?"

"Are we really gonna do this?" konan says in annoyance.

"Answer the question Konan."

Konan sighs, "I'm only good for food, sex and housework." she replys.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Make daddy a sandwich."

"No you're gonna make everyone a sandwich."

Konan just stares at Pain in disbelief but then puts on her nuetral face.

"So?"

"I'm gonna make these sandwiches cause I want to, not because you told me to." she says while walking into the kitchen. everyone just sat in silence until kisame spoke, "so what would've happened if Konan was really dead?" Tobi started jumping up and down with his hand raised, "Then Tobi will do it!" he yelled cheerfully.

"NO!" kakuzu yelled.

"Why not!" tobi yelled back stomping his foot.

"Because Tobi burns my food, shrinks my clothes, and I swear to god if Tobi goes in my room one more time, I'm gonna use my own money to kill him!"

***Everyone gasps***

Ino looks at everyone and becomes confused, so she turned and looks to Sasori. "I don't get whats going on."

"You idiot, Kakuzu never uses his own money."

"Oh... *gasp*"

Tobi starts crying uncontrollably and runs in Pain's room, locking the door. Pain runs to the door and starts banging on the door, "DAMMIT TOBI IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GONNA ALL-MIGHTY PUSH THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!" He yells

"*sob* That won't work on Tobi, I'm not Hinata! *sob*" Tobi said from behind the door.

"WHO THE HELL IS HINATA!"

"Don't worry about it." Kisame replied "Well I gotta fix my pony, the head broke off."

Hidan looked up from the knife he was sharpening and ran over to kisame, followed by Kakuzu. "You give me that." he said pointing to the broken pony toy.

"You can fix it?" kisame asked handing him the toy.

"No I heard you can choke on pieces like these"

"Your not gonna die." Kakuzu said in his normal neutral voice.

"Stop crushing my fucking dreams, you assfuck!"

"Then stop having those dreams, you moron." Sasori said walking past them and into his room.

"Burn in hell, Sasori!"

Zetsu gets up out his corner, which shocks everyone, and walks to Sasori's room. He turns to look at hidan, "That could be arranged." he says walking into the room.

After about 10 minutes, ino starts walking to her room.

"Deidara, where are you going?" Konan asks while passing out the sandwichs.

"I just can't take it. It been a crazy day, so I'm just going to go to my room." Ino replies while walking away.

"WHAT ABOUT UR SANDWICH!?"

The only thing that was heard was the sound of the door shutting. Konan look at the last sandwich in her hand and then looked in the direction Ino dissappeared.

"I'm gonna eat this shit too." she said taking a bite of the sandwich.

* * *

><p><strong>Glace: hope you enjoyed! again sorry I took so long.<strong>

**Deidara: are you gonna awnser my question NOW!**

**Glace: Fine you don't have to be a bitch about it. Yes you are having you own chapter.**

**Deidara: YES!**

**Ino: Finally i need a brake. I'm going to my trailor.**

**Deidara: Wait, you have a trailor?**

**Ino: Yeah I'm the star of course I have a trailor.**

**Deidara: Thats unfair treatment!**

**Glace: Ignored. So anyway review, anonymously review, and flames are used for cookies. Good day.**

**Deidara: HEY IM STILL TA-**

**Glace: I SAID GOOD DAY!**


	6. Money and Movies

**Glace: Hello readers!**

**Deidara: Yes! Its time for my chapter!**

**Ino: Nope, thats gonna be pushed back for now.**

**Deidara: WHAT!**

**Glace: Just get over it. If you are waiting for the Deidara chapter, I'm sorry but I'm having a major case of writers block when it comes to thinking about it. Hope you guys forgive me. As always, enjoy and remember I own nothing!  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Chapter 6<p>

It was a boring day at the Akatsuki hideout. The group was laying about doing the same old routine as always. Pain continues to PMS, Tobi whines and cries, Konan is 'sleeping,' Hidan is futilely attempting to kill himself while Kakuzu watched. As for the others they were watching the Nightly Ninja News. Normally, as this things went on, everyone would just stay quiet and do other things but this all changed when Zetsu looked up from his lighter and moved from his corner.

"Hey, lets go to the movies." Zetsu said and this startled everyone.

Pain of course was always the first to bark, "Why the hell would we want to go there? We can just watch a movie here."

Zetsu looked at Pain with a blank look on his face, "But I want to go to the movies."

Pain pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a huff, "No, we can watch a movie here!"

"But I want to go. To. The. Movies." Zetsu said taking a step closer to each word.

"OK, we're going to the movies." Pain says turning around to the others.

Tobi gasps jumping up, " So when Zetsu wants to go to the movies, we have to go?"

"Yeah."

"So, when Tobi asks you everyday to go to the amusement park, we can't go. But when Zetsu wants asks you twice, we gotta go to the movies?"

"Yeah."

Tobi stared at pain for a good long minute and if looks could kill Pain would be dead right now. He then starts to back up slowly.

"All right, but I warn you Tobi will have his revenge and it might not be now. Might not be later. But Tobi will have his revenge and he will be victorious!" Tobi yell cackling and running into his room. Everyone stared in the direction Tobi left and stayed silent.

Ino was the first to turn around and speak, "Pain you fuck up a lot but this time it might comeback and bite you in the ass."

"Oh shut up Deidara, You sound stupid." Pain laughs, " All right, wake up Konan so we can leave. "

"She's dead you fucktard! You pelted her with rocks for some stupid reason!"

"Of course she got pelted with rocks, she didn't cut the crust of my burger bun."

"Thats-" Ino paused and then looked confused, "Wait, she didn't cut the crust off you burger bun?"

"Yeah."

"But, a burger bun is all crust."

"Exactly. Who would eat that crap."

Ino just looked at Pain with a blank look on her face. She then looks at the ground and back to him. "You know what? I'm just gonna leave it alone. Kakuzu, go get the Cardiac Defibrillator."

Kakuzu looked up from his wade of bills and gave her an intense stare, "First off, you don't tell me what to do and second, I sold that junk two weeks ago."

"What!" Pain and Ino shout in unison.

"I sold that hunk of junk. Where do you think I got this money from? Plus I got a really shiny nickel too." Kakuzu said happily holding up the shiny coin.

"Dammit Kakuzu how many times do I have to tell you not to sell things without my permission!" Pain yells.

"But look how shiny it is."

Pain eye twitched, "Thats no the poi!—"

"Don't look directly at the coin!" Ino screams trying to reach out to Pain but was pulled behind the couch by Kisame.

"Let me go, we can still save him!" she screams while struggling against Kisame's hold on her.

"We can't do anything now, he's now on the dark side now." Kisame says even though the sadness is present in his voice.

Ino starts to cry hysterically and hug Kisame. Everyone else just looked so confuse and Sasori being the first to speak, "Why the hell they acting so weird today?"

"Yeah, its like they're bi-polar or something." Itachi says. Sasori turned to Itachi and started poking him in the chest.

"What, so you're saying that I'm bi-polar?!" Sasori shouts angrily.

Itachi puts his hands up defensively, "No, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Deidara."

"Oh hell no! You don't know him, don't judge Deidara! Please god just leave him alone!" Sasori says crying hysterically into his hands.

Itachi just watched as Sasori had a mental breakdown and waited until he was calm enough to speak in full sentences.

"Hey Sasori?"

"*sniff* Yeah?"

"Did you take you take your meds this morning?"

Sasori stayed silent and stared at Itachi with tears in his eyes.

"Well, did you?" Itachi asked again but a little more sternly.

"No, they taste like shit and they aren't shaped like dinosaurs!" Sasori cried while falling to the floor dramatically. Itachi just looked at him for a while before he decided to speak, "Dude, get over it."

"OK." Sasori says while getting up and walking off like nothing happened. Itachi just gave a shrugged his shoulders and looked towards in and Kisame to see what they were doing. They also have gotten over the situation and have started playing with Kisame's MLP toys. Suddenly, there was a loud groaning sound that caught everyone's attention.

"Ugh, my head..." Konan says sitting up while holding her head. Kisame was the first to speak,  
>"Oh hey Konan, you're awake. We're about to go to the movies, you want to come with us?" he says with a grin on his face.<p>

"Sure, but can someone tell me what happened?"

"Stupid wench, Pain stoned you for not cutting the crust off his burger bun." Hidan says while hanging from the lynch.

Zetsu looked up from his lighter, "Hidan, I thought you were dead."

"I wish I did! I fucking hate you all!" Hidan yells at the ceiling while stomping his foot angrily. Konan just gave a blank stare until something dawned on her,

"I just realized my eardrums are still intack, where's Pain?"

"The old fart has him under hypnosis." Hidan says bluntly gesturing to his right. Kakuzu was waving the shiny coin in front of Pain's face keeping him in a zombie like trance.

"Pretty, pretty. Shiny, shiny." Pain said chanting repeatedly. Everyone just looked at Kakuzu and then back at Pain.

"I like this Pain better." Ino says smiling.

Konan gave a nod, "I agree. Can we keep him like this?"

Everyone's eyes all turn to Kakuzu waiting on his answer. He put his unused hand under his chin and closed his eyes in thought. After what seemed like forever, Kakuzu spoke, "OK, we can keep him like this."

Konan and Ino were about to jump for joy until Kakuzu spoke once again, "But you have to pay me."

Both of the girls gave him an intense stare and yelled in unison, "WHAT!"

"Yup."

"OK, how much is it going to be?" Konan says stepping forward while pulling out her purse. Kakuzu reached into his pocket and pulled out a calculator and started to type in numbers. He then showed Konan the total on the screen. All the color drained out her face and she dropped her purse.

"Thats way too many zeros."

"Take it or leave it."

"Kakuzu, I can't give that much money." Konan says staring daggers at him. Kakuzu stared right back and closed the nickel in his fist and placed it in his sleeve. At that very moment, Pain snapped out of his trance and shook his head. He looked at everyone and had a confused look on his face. He then looked at the clock and turned to everyone else.

"Ok, by looking at that clock, I've been out for 10 minutes. Someone tell me what happened." Pain says while visibly shaking, trying to keep his anger in check. Ino was about to speak but Kakuzu slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Konan got up and judo chopped you in the neck. She then spit you and said called the fugliest bastard in the whole world." he says in an indifferent tone.

Pain turned to Konan, "What I tell you about touching the merchandise!" and before she could speak she was back-hand slapped across the room. Everyone started in shock at the events that just occurred except Hidan who laughed.

"HA! You knocked that bi-!" Hidan was interrupted by a loud groan coming from Konan.

Hidan's smile instantly turned into a frown, "Dammit she's awake!" he yells stomping his foot.

Ino walked over to help her up but Pain shouted at her, "Don't help that bitch up!"

"But you just pimp slapped her into the ground."

"Oh please, that was a love tap." Pain says crossing his arms. He then spoke again, "Get up bitch, we're going to the movies. How much money you got anyway?"

"Ugh, I have $150 in my purse."

"Then get you ass up and get it! We don't have all day!"

"Ok, can you stop y-" Before Konan could finish her sentence, she was stabbed in the back of the neck by Tobi. After Konan collapsed, Tobi runs over to Konan's purse and pulled out the money. He waves the money around causing Zetsu to run over and burn it all.

"Tobi! Zetsu! What the FUCK!" Pain yells while shaking both of them furiously.

"I'm sorry, the money was taunting me so I had to burn it." Zetsu says in a calm voice. Tobi on the other hand was cackling, "Tobi told you he would have his revenge and he would be victorious! Now you can't go to the movies!"

Pain just stared at the two of them for a second then put them down. He patted Tobi on the head, "You're right. We can't go to the movies,"

"Yes! Tobi wins!" he shouts jumping up and down.

"Or..."

"Or?" tobi stops jumping and turning his head to the side.

"I could do this." pain walks over to Konan's purse and started to dig inside until he pulled out Konan's credit card. "OK, lets go before they close."

Everyone starts to walk to the door but Ino stops them, "So, we're just gonna leave Konan like that?"

Pain narrowed his eyes at her, "Yes, we are. It's that bitch's fault for taking a nap right before we're about to leave." Pain says walking past her. Ino just stood there clutching her head and had a nosebleed.

"You OK? Your nose is bleeding." Kisame says handing her a tissue.

"I'm sorry, I just had a brain aneurysm."

Itachi looked confused, "Those could kill you. You should be dead."

"You're not allowed to die before I do!" Hidan yells. Ino just shook her head motioning for them to leave.

**At the Theater... **

"All right everyone has their tickets right?" Pain asks. Everyone nods and then separates and go to their movies. Hidan, Sasori, and Pain went to go see "Mama", Itachi, Kakuzu, Tobi and Zetsu went to go see 'Jack and Jill Witch hunters" Ino and Kisame went to go see "Monsters Inc in 3D"

**Mama... **

_'NOOOO! Mama you promised!' _

"I wish my mom was that cool." Hidan says bouncing with excitement. Sasori sat back with a bored expression, and Pain was rolled up in a ball.

"You wish you mom was that cool because you don't have a mom." Sasori says not turning his attention away from the screen.

"Take that back asshole!" Hidan snapped.

Sasori turned to him with tears in his eyes, "OK, I'm sorry can we hug?"

"Eww, no! Get away from me faggot!"

"Hidan, if you keep being loud they're going to kick you out." Pain says not looking up from his hands.

"Like hell they are!" Hidan yells at pain. An attendant then walks up to their row and shines a flashlight in Hidan's face. "Sir, if you insist on being loud we're going to ask you to leave. If you refuse, we will call the cops.

"They aren't going to take me alive!" Hidan says snatching the flashlight from the attendant and throwing it in the back of the theater. Sasori began to chuckle which caught Hidan's attention.

"Whats so fucking funny!"

"You said they're not going to take you alive but technically you can't die."

Hidan was trying to find a smart remark to say but all that came out was, "Shut the fuck up!"

**Ino and Kisame... **

"That movie was so good." Kisame says while he and Ino exit the movie and put their 3D glasses in the container by the exit.

"Yeah I know. I haven't seen that movie since I was a little girl." Ino says happily.

"But, I thought you were a boy?"

Ino went ridged but calmed down enough to lie, "Yeah, I'm a boy Kisame that was a dumb question." _'Yeah Ino that was genius .'_ She thought sarcastically.

"But you just sa-"

"HEY! Isn't that Hidan getting dragged away by police?" She yells pointing to the retreating form of Hidan kicking and scream, "Let go of me! I will sacrifice you to Jashin!"

Ino ran over and stopped the cops in their tracks.

"Hello, officers. Can you tell why you have my friend like that?"

"He is being charge with disruption, and assault."

Ino looked at Hidan and let out a sigh, "I'm so sorry he has mental problems."

"Hey!"

"But, could you find it in your heart to let him go?" Ino says looking at the officers with big eyes. Two looked at each other and gave a nod.

"We'll let him go if you get his caretaker to come get him." Ino quickly turned to Kisame, "Hurry up and dial Kakuzu!"

**Hansel and Gretel witch hunters...**

"I still don't understand, why did they have to kill the candy lady? Tobi would be her best friend." Tobi asks looking at Itachi.

"Tobi, if they didn't kill her they would've died and there would be no movie." Itachi says not looking away from the screen.

"And besides she looked flammable anyway." Zetsu says sinking into his seat while flicking his lighter.

_'God Gretel, if I was 50 years younger i wou-'_ Kakuzu thought before his phone vibrated in his pocket.

**Phone Convo... **

"What?"

"Kakuzu where are you?" Ino said with panic in her voice.

"Still in the movies"

"Its not over?"

"No, it runs longer than a kid's movie."

"Well whatever, Hidan is about to be arrested!"

"And you you want me to..." Kakuzu trailed off.

"Come and get him!"

"Fuck that noise, I paid $10.50 for this shit I'm stayin."

"You didn't pay for anything! Konan's credit card did!"

"If you don't stop yelling in my ear, I will choke you on sight."

"I'm sorry but come and get him. I'll do all your chores next week."

Kakuzu stayed quiet for a few minutes and then responded, "OK."

**Phone convo over... **

Kakuzu clicked the call end button and looked up to see the credit rolling. He and the other three exited the movie and walked over to get Hidan. After a short talk to the cops and heated argument between Kakuzu and Hidan they left. As they exited there were two girls walked pass them.

"Hey Gina, wasn't that the Akatsuki?"

"No, Nancy." Gina says flipping her long brown hair her face.

"But Gina I could've sw-"

"No their not Nancy! This is why I get the 'D' and you don't!"

"You bitch, that's why Mike cheated on you with me!" Nancy yells walking away.

Gina just stood there in shock until she yelled, "I'm so unfriending on Ninjabook!"

* * *

><p><strong>Glace: alright I'm done another chapter!<strong>

**Deidara: Get to my chapter already!**

**Glace: Get over it already! So anyway people I have an announcement. If you would like to see this story updated more you can send me ideas you think would be funny and I will select four a month.**

**Ino: They have to be funny people!**

**Glace: I will accept these ideas until the end of February and post the first Sunday in March. I will then post every week or two after that. So please send in ideas and if I happen to like more than four then I will combine them together.**

**Ino: So remember to Read, Review and send in your ideas. **

**Glace & Ino: Arigato Gozaimasu!**

**Deidara: Yeah, yeah... Thanks.**


End file.
